Home

It's always been the absence for me. Of people, noise, stress, everything that distracts me in everyday life. But out there, everything melts away and I can just be. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever doesn't, wasn't meant to. There's a reason nature balances us, it's the purest form of life, with the honesty of death on display and the reward of beauty for what survives.  

For years I couldn't figure out why a temperate rainforest path didn't quench my thirst, and why picking blueberries by myself only came close but never quite cut it. Because I needed wild. I needed open, a space that wasn't confined by man but allowed everyone and everything to co-exist with the requirements of common sense and common courtesy. And you cannot find that on paved paths and city parks, and in the valley I had fled to, I was starving. 

My roots were planted here five generations ago, into fresh earth that is now beneath lakes where locals spend scorching summer days. Our family homesteaded in Central Oregon, once believing that this home was worth the ultimate sacrifice of chasing manifest destiny. They were pioneers that gave all they had for the promise of new beginnnings. And they found it, here. 

Even after so much time and change, our family stays, because this is our home. The farms are long gone, but this place is a piece of us all the same. And from the moment I left to see what was beyond the rimrock, it started calling me back gently. 

When I finally listened, I was unstoppable in my need for the mountain air, despite my inability to access it myself. I had grown up mostly in the lower reaches of our mountains, with a taste for the wild but only a sample given. When I returned, I refused to settle for less than all of it. I needed to see what was higher, feel it under my feet and in my hands, this land that my ancestors had loved. It was in my bones to discover and I only knew that I needed to be in it. 

The first summer amongst the sunsets was magical. It was full of firsts, including the unmatched perfection of getting to know the man of my dreams. When you view the mountains through the eyes of fresh, true love, I'm not sure anything in the world is more spectacular. 

We explored trails that led to the tops of mountains. Viewed stars as they watched over a lazy creek running through a prairie. Said I love you in the privacy of a falling sunset and a valley that watched in silence. 

Digging thundereggs out of a hillside filled a hole in my bloodline that had been hungrily empty for some time. But the peace of tracking sign and following animals was a whole different kind of fulfillment. It was like coming home to a world that had been just waiting for me to show up. Hunting quickly became a craving,  something I needed to do to be fully content. I wanted to learn about every animal we tracked, and moved clumsily as I watched, feeling the healthy fear of knowing we were also being seen as we went. It was intoxicating and my steps got lighter and my words were replaced with silence as I began to learn. Some things are shown by doing, and some lessons are learned with eyes and ears and the absence of sound. When I began to venture a few hundred yards from camp, I felt the relief of grounding myself with landmarks and pride and making it back without help. Little steps have been my marks of success out there. 

I still dream about the bucks my guy saw, and I tracked for half a mile down that steep embankment, their sign still hot and squishing beneath my feet. My heart beat in my eyes as I tried to move quietly, but they were gone before I arrived. I chose to return to him and the buggy so I wouldn't get lost, but everything in me wanted to cross that creek and track them until our paths finally met. 

As much as I wanted my first big game kill this year, I'm grateful I still have it to look forward to. I cannot imagine the satisfaction that will come with such a sacred thing, and something like that is worth waiting for. 

In this amazing time where life froze for these moments to become memories, I also got to witness the pride of a father as my man's baby girl walked in his footsteps all through those mountains we so loved. And I got to spend an afternoon hunting with my Dad, who had passed down this passion for the outdoors through our blood, as he saw how I had become like he and his father before him. And it was perfect. 

It has been two years and I've gathered too many memories to recount, but they are full of the drunkenness of freedom that can only be granted in these mountains. Home is no longer an idea, or a place, or even just a person whom I love. It is this. The return, the belonging, the learning, growing, and wanting. Home is where my roots are planted and I will always grow. It is where I will live like my parents and their parents and grandparents before them. Where I will die and where my ashes will blow into the wind and become again a part of the majesty that is our home, here in these great mountains. 

Yesterday I had my fallopian tubes removed. I'm sterile now, and that fact sounds more harsh than it is. But I wanted to memorialize this time because this experience is a landmark in my life that symbolizes relinquishing something I thought I could never let go of: fulfilling the plan I had for my own life. 

I grew up with a natural way with kiddos. I was a babysitter and a frequent helper in Sunday school at church. I volunteered in programs to mentor younger students, and I always thought I'd have at least a couple kids of my own. 

But (chalk it up to stubborn commitment, idiocy, or fear), I made choices that pretty much eliminated my chance to parent in a healthy environment. So instead, I spent my peak fertile years in a toxic childfree situation instead of moving on. And that had consequences. Big ones. 

Fast forward to the new beginning, when all I knew was that I had no idea who I was anymore and that I wanted to be a Mom. Those two things are a little confusing when you put them together and it had the expected outcome: I was a mess for a bit. 

But somewhere along the way, this incredible guy stepped in. He brought out the parts of me I had hidden for so long because I was afraid they were too dorky or insignificant. He showed me what it was like to be truly admired and appreciated, as well as respected on a level of equality that I was stunned by. He showed me new things in life and exposed passions I had that I never could have expected. And as amazing as everything he has taught has been, one trumps them all. 

The night we met, I had the pleasure of also meeting his daughter. And my first thought was what an incredible Dad he was- I could tell in the way she respected him and the way he treated her. He taught me by example what a steady and stable presence in this crazy climate can do for a kid today. He has shown me that the kind of parental love I was lucky enough to have growing up is still alive today and that it isn't about planning and overthinking, it's about just being there. Every day I get to see him make sacrifices for this little family we have become and I now get to be in the fold. She has a Mama that loves her very much, but now she has me too. There's a lot of love that goes around, and tons of laughs, and plenty of stuff to figure out along the way. 

Pretty sure they call all this parenting, but I'm still learning because obviously I'm new here. What I can say with confidence is that all this love, and pride, and joy, and worry, and fear that comes with the journey is what I've always wanted. All I ever dreamed of was having a partner who would walk beside me and be the leader of a family that was ours, a steady example for all of us that rely on him while we hold it down in the background. A team. 

My life has turned out so much differently than I ever could have expected. There have been twists, turns, do overs, screw ups, losses, and endless lessons to lead me to this place. Sterile, unable to reproduce, and happily so. Because for whatever reason God had for it, I didn't end up creating and raising my own child. But he gave me a family and showed me what real, true love feels like. And I have complete peace in making this decision because my body will be happier now, and I can keep moving along this new path that has been forged for me. Planned or not, this is exactly where I was meant to be and I am so grateful and excited for whatever is in store. 

I met him when it was still cold in January

He was in a thick jacket and I remember his eyes

They were so kind

I met his daughter that night too and she warmed by the fire and we chatted as her aunts and cousins surrounded us with warm chatter of their own

He stayed on the edges, quiet, watching

I was intrigued by his silence 

And his half smile that made his eyes dance 

And his voice, I couldn't pinpoint it then but the bass in it drew me to my knees, almost as much as the softness in it would later on, when I realized it was reserved just for me

Our first date I tapped on his shoulder and when he turned around and looked at me I saw those eyes were hazel

And we kind of melted into each other after having talked as friends and building finally toward more, and being there in person again and feeling fate face us in real time

He had waited for me

I had been messy and indecisive and scared to commit to a heart that would hurt me again

So he waited until I could see how he was different

How he was the one

And when I did, there was no turning back

After that night we were a unit

Birds of a feather I guess

Or souls of kindred origins

Something beyond what we can still understand

But he's my guy

He shows me the world in ways I didn't know it existed

Wild, real, untainted, honest

We walk through mountains and ride through hills, shooting our guns and taking in God's beauty

He's what I always dreamed of

A rugged man with a soft heart and firm moral boundaries

A Dad who leads by example and loves hard 

A partner who is slow to speak and quick to listen

A man who will lead me just as readily as he will walk beside me and support my dreams 

He is everything

And although everything could have happened differently had we met before we did, I'm grateful it didn't, because our story wasn't supposed to start until then

And my life restarted the day he walked in

This time of year we're supposed to be thankful, but I've been finding myself in that mindset often. It's not because I'm #blessed or have some charmed life, but because I have been forced to appreciate what is real to me. 

How I got here is important, but not worth mentioning yet another time. But I am going to give mention to the things that I am so grateful for today, because it's important to name them and give them some weight in terms of significance. 

I'm thankful 

For parents that are so supportive and loving, especially when that involves being patient with my mess and growth.

A man who understands and walks with me in every moment, who works hard to build a life for us, and shows me through his actions that  he loves me in the realest way. I love that I get to be a part of his kiddo's life and experience so much with the three of us together. It's truly my favorite and I'd never trade it for anything.

His amazing family who lets me be a part of their own.

Friends that are there without condition, even if they are few they are quality and I appreciate them so much more than they know. They have shown me how to become a better friend myself.  

Loss that has taught me to tell people I love them and to send the text, or do the quick drop ins just to say hi because it's always over too soon. 

Several goodbyes have also shown me that holding on too long to someone or something that isn't good for you does more damage than walking away when it's time. I'm grateful for that lesson because it has made me so much wiser in my judgement. 

Most importantly, I'm grateful for the chance to continue growing into whoever it is I'm to become. We're never done with that process but we definitely go through stages where we're more refined than others. I'm proud of who I am today, even if I have so much about me that's imperfect. I'm proud of my books I've written and the things I've had the opportunity to do with my writing in the metal music world. Mostly I'm just proud of taking the chance to get here because this is where I was always meant to be. I'm glad to finally experience the world with eyes that see what is simple and good and natural. I'm excited to keep challenging myself and trying the things that make my heart fuller every time. I can't wait to see even more views of mountain tops and sunsets from spots I can't even describe. 

So that's my list. I'm thankful that there's so much I get to put on it this year. And for once, it's nice just to sit with that and not worry about what might be next or when. 

What are you thankful for this year?

Cheryl and Kevin's love story

 

I used to have this dream about a tall man with darker skin. I could never see his face but I knew that he was handsome and I had this feeling that he was the person I was meant to be with. 

Over the years, whenever I would go somewhere I would always keep that in the back of my mind if I saw a man that looked kind of like that. One time I was in Northern California and when we stopped for gas, I saw this guy that was tall. He had darker skin, and was really handsome. He looked right at me and we stared at each other for a minute, but there was no connection and we never saw each other again after that so I figured he must not have been the one. 

Later on when I was working in the mill, I met Kevin's girlfriend. She was pretty and nice and funny and she pointed him out to me and said something about wanting to get her another man. So I said to her, "You better not look twice then if you leave him because he's going to be mine!" She told me, oh yeah? And next thing I knew she had dumped him and moved away. It wasn't long before he started tossing little pieces of wood at my butt from the cut line above me, and we became best friends. We worked next to each other for years after that. 

As we got to know each other and got to talking, we started noticing that our paths crossed over the years, all over the place. One time he was stationed in the south for the army and I happened to be in the same exact town the week of 4th of July that year. He told me about his family going to Antelope Reservoir a lot when he was growing up, and I told him I used to go there and fish. We realized that the family I used to see lined up and fishing along the top of the reservoir by the dam was he and his parents and brothers! 

There have just been so many things, some I can't even remember right now but there is one big one!

Kevin and his family have always spent lots of time hunting over by Fossil, and every year they have a family meeting to decide what units they want to put in for tags on. They get the map out and mark the areas they want to be in and all that. Well one year after we'd just gotten married, I was there when they had the meeting. They got to talking about this one remote part of fossil where there's this cabin they wanted to try to use while they were out there. I got to looking and realized the area looked really familiar, so I looked a little closer and saw that they were talking about a place I'd been lots more times than any of them ever had! 

I started laughing and told them I knew exactly where that cabin was and they told me that there was no way. I said I sure did know and asked if they would like me to call the property owner and ask permission to use it! They had been talking about my best friend Jerry's place. I love that man, he looks and sounds just like Willie Nelson and he's a great person. So I called him up and Kevin just looked at me and couldn't believe that we all knew of this same place and person. 

We've been through so much over the years and we've always been able to talk; we're so connected to each other.

When we first met at the mill, I made him chase me around for months. He asked me over and over to go out with him and I kept saying no. But one day, I finally agreed that he could come over but we were only going to watch a movie- not go anywhere else or do anything. So he came over and we got to smooching and the second I kissed that man I knew he was the one from the dream. Isn't that crazy? I just could feel it. And you know how I know he is? I never had the dream about the tall, dark skinned, handsome man ever again after that day. 

I used to love fall 

The crispness, the rain

Staying cozy and eating warm things instead of going and doing pretty much anything

But suddenly fall doesn't sound so great

I already miss the smell of dust and pines 

The sound of frogs and crickets

And shots ringing through the mountains

Tangled fishing lines

And piles of goldfish crackers

Becoming family on long drives narrated by country songs

Road trips with animals, oceans, and candy shops

Braiding hair and buying best friend necklaces

Boxes of pictures and old stories told into the night

Digging beauty out of a hillside to keep for later

Sweet tea and whiskey

The warm wind in my hair and dirt on my face

His arms around me as the stars twinkle and only we exist

Sunsets painted in colors that look different when you hear "I love you" under them for the first time

I'm not sure anything will ever trump

This summer 

Because it's when I came alive and fell into our forever

 

You may know this about me, but I used to write. Everyday. I haven't for a while and it feels good to be here again. 

I've been kind of busy, and I wanted to share what I've discovered because in my experience, there's no greater way to grow than from the encouragement of others. 

If you know me, you've heard the story. To make it short, I woke up after a very long time and realized that the choices I'd made had created a very lonely life for myself, so I changed it. 

I'm on the other side, somewhere between 'Dont Start Now' by Dua Lipa and 'Good as Hell' by Lizzo. There's a lot of power in rebirth and nothing comes close to telling your past to fuck off as you connect with words like those songs that highlight your growth. But, this is only the beginning of whatever is coming for me...

When I left my old life and came home, I was pretty sure I was a badass that had it all figured out. Part of that was true, but really, I was a glass woman walking around throwing myself at sharp objects. When you live in bubble wrap there's nothing more enticing than jumping off a ledge, believe me! Luckily, I had some people that cared about me through that stage where I was a bull in a china shop (or were literally in it with me) when I couldn't figure out why bubble wrap and knives didn't fit together like I wanted them to. Looking back, I'm so grateful that I had (and still have) those people around who walked with me in the midst of that mess because in the end their patience, advice, and perspective helped make me stronger. In fact, some of the conversations I have had about that really intense stage have changed my life and encouraged me to do the hard thing: become comfortable knowing that I am strong and I am more than enough. 

There were too many years where I did what no woman should do- I begged and sacrificed my own happiness to try to earn love that wasn't there. But in the end, I found my worth and value. That seems elementary, but when you have never felt worthy, it's big stuff, baby. 

I'm still here in this in between and my life shifts daily with my wants and discovering my needs as they surface. But I now know exactly where I want my life to end up, and embrace that I have no idea how I'm meant to get there, with who, or when. And I'm in love with that. Finally I can look ahead and just be content that I can see outside of the walls I put around me. For the first time I can remember, I am so happy with my own company that I can be patient until whatever is waiting in the wings comes along. 

I broke my own heart on several occasions in this journey, skinned my pride pretty bad a time or two, but I learned that in the end we're all just doing the best we can and the things that last are always gained through trial and error. I gained some pretty amazing friends from those lessons and realized what gold I have in those people that had already walked with me through all the crazy through the years. 

I guess what I wanted to say in case it makes a difference to anyone is that we are never set in concrete. We are meant to be fluid beings and sometimes life goes in directions we never expected. But when that happens, it's okay to go. Our roots grow back and get stronger when they're fed with soil they belong in. Change is not only intimidating, sometimes it's petrifying but don't let fear keep you where you don't belong. 

You make someone's heart swell, your existence is significant to someone, you are valuable in ways you may never even discover. You fucking matter and are making an imprint on someone's soul. So don't settle, wherever that may land in your life, don't waste years compromising when you could be flourishing, because your happiness is worth every second of discomfort needed to get there. You can do the hard thing.   

I may not have a clue what tomorrow has in store but for the first time in forever, I can breathe and enjoy that today I get to be the best version of me that I thought died so long ago, and it's never ever too late for you to do the same.