So, I gave up Facebook for a week, mostly to see if I could do it. I did lapse one time on my most stressful day during the week, checking my feed yo soothe my anxiety. That was a weird realization, seeing that was something that relieved my unrelated stress.
Otherwise, I stayed away and I can admit that in moments mostly of boredom, it was hard. When I wanted to do research for a review I was working in, I had to rely on other sources. And, I didn't get to share any selfies, even when I really wanted to because I had some awesome times with friends that I wanted to share!
But alas, I came to a conclusion: my participation in social media is a lot of ego stroking. It's mostly to share things that are going on with me, happened to me, or are interesting to me. Me, me, me. Sure, thats applicable to some degree maybe for a couple family members and close friends, but mostly a bunch of stuff people don't care about.
You know how I know they don't care? Because as I was away from the constant updates of everyone's lives from high school acquaintances to immediate family, I realized I didn't miss their updates. Everything I wanted or needed to know, I found out directly from my friends and family during this time. It made me feel connected to them, in a real way. You know, like it used to be.
To summarize my experience, I would say these things:
1) It was embarrassingly hard, and I didn't succeed the whole week at avoiding social media. I was truly addicted to it and had urges to check it often for the first couple days especially.
2) It was freeing and I was more present in my own life, paying attention to what was around me instead of constantly seeing who posted a meme or picture or update.
3) I realized largely how senseless it is and how I want to change my use of social media to only connect with people I am actually close to.
4) It opened my eyes to just how much we are willing to share with people that we don't know that well. I had never really thought about how personal some of the experiences shared on fb or social media are and that many of the people that share them haven't spoken with the person posting in years, in person. It takes away the sacredness of special moments when everyone experiences them, especially if they don't have an active part in your life. For example, if you haven't spoken to someone since you were in high school, do they need to see your baby bump grow, or know the details of your recent relationship struggle? Social media has become a public arena for pretty much everything,-but if we all had every friend on our list in a room together, would we share the same things in person? Likely not. I realized how strange of a social paradox that is and how I would like to move forward in a different direction.
5) Almost nothing is all that important online. When it comes down to it, there are few moments that really beg your attention on social media. It's a tool that has become grossly over used and misused in a lot of ways. All I can do is speak for myself in saying I would like to use social media on an as needed basis, or for periodic entertainment, not for a social update of everyone's lives that barely touch my own.
Now, I'm going to get back to living in the real world, I'll see you back on here sometime I'm sure, but for now it's nice to breathe away from it.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Hello and goodbye
I thought about you today
It's been years, after all
Although you weren't you
When I last visited
I still enjoyed seeing you
And watching your favorite movie
That you had memorized by heart
Today I looked and found
What I hoped that I wouldnt
It's been almost two years, I see
That you've been gone
Mad as I was not to have been told
I was moved to deepened sadness
To find that it was only because
The only one in your world that knew me
Left with you that day
I will always remember what you taught me
About life and the hand we are given
That we don't have to like it
And it's OK to be stubborn
That sometimes, you just have to run
And announce that you are the fastest
Because you truly believe it
I cherish the everyday moments
That I spent with you
I was paid to help you be independent
But you taught me how to be
Just by being you
Disability and disease, they didn't define you
Because every day you were here
You made your own
And exacted your presence in the world on your terms
For all of this and more
I'm thankful to have known you
And the fiercely loving woman who made you
RIP my friends
You are not forgotten
It's been years, after all
Although you weren't you
When I last visited
I still enjoyed seeing you
And watching your favorite movie
That you had memorized by heart
Today I looked and found
What I hoped that I wouldnt
It's been almost two years, I see
That you've been gone
Mad as I was not to have been told
I was moved to deepened sadness
To find that it was only because
The only one in your world that knew me
Left with you that day
I will always remember what you taught me
About life and the hand we are given
That we don't have to like it
And it's OK to be stubborn
That sometimes, you just have to run
And announce that you are the fastest
Because you truly believe it
I cherish the everyday moments
That I spent with you
I was paid to help you be independent
But you taught me how to be
Just by being you
Disability and disease, they didn't define you
Because every day you were here
You made your own
And exacted your presence in the world on your terms
For all of this and more
I'm thankful to have known you
And the fiercely loving woman who made you
RIP my friends
You are not forgotten
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Losing My Religion... And Reclaiming My Faith
It's funny, that R.E.M song that was so popular in the 90's was never really about the sacreligious blasphemy I was led to believe as a child. "Losing My Religion" is referring to a Southern phrase that means hitting the end of the rope and dang near losing it. And that sounds more like me, at least it did.
For those of you that don't know me well, or about my childhood, I was raised with my brother in a two parent household that had a lot of love, encouragement and support. I was also raised a conservative Baptist. I did what a lot of kids do that are surrounded by constricting religious culture, I rebelled strongly against it. I was a wild hair and in my small town, it was noticed. Although I took the step to create a genuine relationship with Jesus at 13, it would be more than a decade before I truly understood what that influence could mean in my life.
I mention all of this because at 28, I am finally coming to understand my life's path, how it's winding direction led me here,and how that could (and almost did) go terribly awry.
Without boring you with the details, suffice it to say, I wasn't the greatest example of what a Christian ought to be. I didn't practice what I preached, not for long anyway. It seemed that experiencing culture and the world around me had priority. And when I was in the presence of Churches, I was flooded with the tendency to take on the over religious actions that I saw in those around me. To this day, I literally cringe when I look back at myself even a couple of years ago in relation to how I expressed my faith. It was strong, in your face, and the first thing that would pop out of my mouth. To put it simply, it was off-putting. I'd find myself using verbiage that was insincere and phony, because that's often how people in churches speak, even if out of church they wouldn't use the same language. It all just felt like a hoax. Although I felt a peace inside when in the presence of The Word, I struggled with the building in which I was receiving it, considering it cost millions of dollars and yet Christians are meant to be a people who are humble and not of the world.
The inconsistencies just stacked up. I heard stories of salvation and grace and healing and I knew they were real and they made me happy. And yet, I thought about the patients I'd witnessed in my work that were homeless or the individuals I passed on the streets daily and I wondered why they shouldn't be hearing these things? Why was the word of God only being shared with other believers or in colleges? How was that fulfilling the message of salvation? Why were these people not "blessed" like the people in church, as Christians liked to say they were when good things happened them?
I had changed and I had more inner turmoil when I was attending church. I tired of participating in the charade of Sunday Christians. I was weary from being surrounded by people that hid behind the walls of a church they created instead of finding a way to bring the church to everyone. The people that I truly was touched by didn't have to publicize their faith or their good deeds, they reached others with a genuine hug and saying how they had been thinking of them. They were the ones that knew when to just sit by you in silence or pray with you even if it was awkward. They were the ones that had faith even when the eyes of a megachurch were not upon them. I was disheartened by the lack of outreach from many, by feeling alone in a room of many hundreds of people that claimed to love God, but didn't act much like him, but rather what they had been taught He looked like, which is truly one of America's greatest tragedies- creating an incomplete image of Christ in our world today.
And so I left. In my heart, Jesus remained. I periodically read the Bible, I prayed, and I sought a way to define a relationship with Him that was my own, that was real. And it came in the shape of my life, my roots, my reality.
Jesus met me where I was. In the depths of my despair, I found comfort in His words and presence. In the wilderness, I found his fingerprints in every intelligent design. He spoke to me in the words of my family, who professed their greatest connection to God came through silence in the forest and under shady trees at sunset. Jesus is as real as we allow him to be in our worlds and He is not confined within walls that we raise.
Today, I am a work in progress, someone who faces the silent struggle of depression and OCD as part of my everyday functions. It may take me 5 minutes to leave the house instead of seconds, because I have to check all the outlets, locks, and burners before I leave. And then I usually have to do it a few more times. But, many have it worse, and although I am my own greatest obstacle in growth and forward movement, my faith has been one of the strongest factors to carry me through. I have found forgiveness and love in God, despite my unique challenges. I have found that with the focus my OCD gives me, I have become the writer I have always been meant to be. With a laserlike focus, I can create beauty in a fraction of the time of someone else because writing is the language of my heart and it has been taught to me through my life's struggle. I feel that although I am imperfect to a fault, I have been gifted the ability to write because God has something up His sleeve I have yet to see, and I am both excited by and at peace with that. What I do know is that after months of trying to connect with and get on with a mainstream music publication, I was steered in a different direction and now write for one that focuses on the good in the hard Music Industry. I've been introduced to a world of music that doesn't subscribe to traditional preaching and Christian outreach, but rather delivers truth through realistic delivery. Even though I now find myself entrenched in heavy metal, I feel at home in knowing that the message it holds is hope. I'm not sure where this will go, but I'm content in receiving this aspect alone, to see light in the darkness without falsehood or force.
In the last year, I have honed in on what I do and don't believe. I've accepted that my loving everyone doesn't make me a bad Christian, it makes me Christlike. That means loving people where they are, not despite where they are in hopes of changing them, but truly just being present and loving them on a human level. Yes, I have atheists, lesbians, and people who are still searching for what they believe in my close circle. And you know what? It's OK, not because I'm a martyr for their place in my life, but because they are good people and I'm lucky to know them at all.
Some of the greatest people in my life hate Christians and I have come to realize that it is not Christ that most of them despise, but the people that represent him. I don't want to be one of those people. I am here to say, I love Jesus, He is my Savior and anyone that wants to know about that, we can talk about it. But, I don't feel I have to attend an institution to fulfill my relationship with God. I am not better than you because of my faith, nor you better than I if you have none. We are people, created in likeness to Perfection and we each have brilliant value and if anyone gets anything from this, just know that you are loved. It's that truth that has carried me every step of my journey and led me to this moment of openness and acceptance of where I am and why.
For those of you that don't know me well, or about my childhood, I was raised with my brother in a two parent household that had a lot of love, encouragement and support. I was also raised a conservative Baptist. I did what a lot of kids do that are surrounded by constricting religious culture, I rebelled strongly against it. I was a wild hair and in my small town, it was noticed. Although I took the step to create a genuine relationship with Jesus at 13, it would be more than a decade before I truly understood what that influence could mean in my life.
I mention all of this because at 28, I am finally coming to understand my life's path, how it's winding direction led me here,and how that could (and almost did) go terribly awry.
Without boring you with the details, suffice it to say, I wasn't the greatest example of what a Christian ought to be. I didn't practice what I preached, not for long anyway. It seemed that experiencing culture and the world around me had priority. And when I was in the presence of Churches, I was flooded with the tendency to take on the over religious actions that I saw in those around me. To this day, I literally cringe when I look back at myself even a couple of years ago in relation to how I expressed my faith. It was strong, in your face, and the first thing that would pop out of my mouth. To put it simply, it was off-putting. I'd find myself using verbiage that was insincere and phony, because that's often how people in churches speak, even if out of church they wouldn't use the same language. It all just felt like a hoax. Although I felt a peace inside when in the presence of The Word, I struggled with the building in which I was receiving it, considering it cost millions of dollars and yet Christians are meant to be a people who are humble and not of the world.
The inconsistencies just stacked up. I heard stories of salvation and grace and healing and I knew they were real and they made me happy. And yet, I thought about the patients I'd witnessed in my work that were homeless or the individuals I passed on the streets daily and I wondered why they shouldn't be hearing these things? Why was the word of God only being shared with other believers or in colleges? How was that fulfilling the message of salvation? Why were these people not "blessed" like the people in church, as Christians liked to say they were when good things happened them?
I had changed and I had more inner turmoil when I was attending church. I tired of participating in the charade of Sunday Christians. I was weary from being surrounded by people that hid behind the walls of a church they created instead of finding a way to bring the church to everyone. The people that I truly was touched by didn't have to publicize their faith or their good deeds, they reached others with a genuine hug and saying how they had been thinking of them. They were the ones that knew when to just sit by you in silence or pray with you even if it was awkward. They were the ones that had faith even when the eyes of a megachurch were not upon them. I was disheartened by the lack of outreach from many, by feeling alone in a room of many hundreds of people that claimed to love God, but didn't act much like him, but rather what they had been taught He looked like, which is truly one of America's greatest tragedies- creating an incomplete image of Christ in our world today.
And so I left. In my heart, Jesus remained. I periodically read the Bible, I prayed, and I sought a way to define a relationship with Him that was my own, that was real. And it came in the shape of my life, my roots, my reality.
Jesus met me where I was. In the depths of my despair, I found comfort in His words and presence. In the wilderness, I found his fingerprints in every intelligent design. He spoke to me in the words of my family, who professed their greatest connection to God came through silence in the forest and under shady trees at sunset. Jesus is as real as we allow him to be in our worlds and He is not confined within walls that we raise.
Today, I am a work in progress, someone who faces the silent struggle of depression and OCD as part of my everyday functions. It may take me 5 minutes to leave the house instead of seconds, because I have to check all the outlets, locks, and burners before I leave. And then I usually have to do it a few more times. But, many have it worse, and although I am my own greatest obstacle in growth and forward movement, my faith has been one of the strongest factors to carry me through. I have found forgiveness and love in God, despite my unique challenges. I have found that with the focus my OCD gives me, I have become the writer I have always been meant to be. With a laserlike focus, I can create beauty in a fraction of the time of someone else because writing is the language of my heart and it has been taught to me through my life's struggle. I feel that although I am imperfect to a fault, I have been gifted the ability to write because God has something up His sleeve I have yet to see, and I am both excited by and at peace with that. What I do know is that after months of trying to connect with and get on with a mainstream music publication, I was steered in a different direction and now write for one that focuses on the good in the hard Music Industry. I've been introduced to a world of music that doesn't subscribe to traditional preaching and Christian outreach, but rather delivers truth through realistic delivery. Even though I now find myself entrenched in heavy metal, I feel at home in knowing that the message it holds is hope. I'm not sure where this will go, but I'm content in receiving this aspect alone, to see light in the darkness without falsehood or force.
In the last year, I have honed in on what I do and don't believe. I've accepted that my loving everyone doesn't make me a bad Christian, it makes me Christlike. That means loving people where they are, not despite where they are in hopes of changing them, but truly just being present and loving them on a human level. Yes, I have atheists, lesbians, and people who are still searching for what they believe in my close circle. And you know what? It's OK, not because I'm a martyr for their place in my life, but because they are good people and I'm lucky to know them at all.
Some of the greatest people in my life hate Christians and I have come to realize that it is not Christ that most of them despise, but the people that represent him. I don't want to be one of those people. I am here to say, I love Jesus, He is my Savior and anyone that wants to know about that, we can talk about it. But, I don't feel I have to attend an institution to fulfill my relationship with God. I am not better than you because of my faith, nor you better than I if you have none. We are people, created in likeness to Perfection and we each have brilliant value and if anyone gets anything from this, just know that you are loved. It's that truth that has carried me every step of my journey and led me to this moment of openness and acceptance of where I am and why.
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