Yesterday I had my fallopian tubes removed. I'm sterile now, and that fact sounds more harsh than it is. But I wanted to memorialize this time because this experience is a landmark in my life that symbolizes relinquishing something I thought I could never let go of: fulfilling the plan I had for my own life. 

I grew up with a natural way with kiddos. I was a babysitter and a frequent helper in Sunday school at church. I volunteered in programs to mentor younger students, and I always thought I'd have at least a couple kids of my own. 

But (chalk it up to stubborn commitment, idiocy, or fear), I made choices that pretty much eliminated my chance to parent in a healthy environment. So instead, I spent my peak fertile years in a toxic childfree situation instead of moving on. And that had consequences. Big ones. 

Fast forward to the new beginning, when all I knew was that I had no idea who I was anymore and that I wanted to be a Mom. Those two things are a little confusing when you put them together and it had the expected outcome: I was a mess for a bit. 

But somewhere along the way, this incredible guy stepped in. He brought out the parts of me I had hidden for so long because I was afraid they were too dorky or insignificant. He showed me what it was like to be truly admired and appreciated, as well as respected on a level of equality that I was stunned by. He showed me new things in life and exposed passions I had that I never could have expected. And as amazing as everything he has taught has been, one trumps them all. 

The night we met, I had the pleasure of also meeting his daughter. And my first thought was what an incredible Dad he was- I could tell in the way she respected him and the way he treated her. He taught me by example what a steady and stable presence in this crazy climate can do for a kid today. He has shown me that the kind of parental love I was lucky enough to have growing up is still alive today and that it isn't about planning and overthinking, it's about just being there. Every day I get to see him make sacrifices for this little family we have become and I now get to be in the fold. She has a Mama that loves her very much, but now she has me too. There's a lot of love that goes around, and tons of laughs, and plenty of stuff to figure out along the way. 

Pretty sure they call all this parenting, but I'm still learning because obviously I'm new here. What I can say with confidence is that all this love, and pride, and joy, and worry, and fear that comes with the journey is what I've always wanted. All I ever dreamed of was having a partner who would walk beside me and be the leader of a family that was ours, a steady example for all of us that rely on him while we hold it down in the background. A team. 

My life has turned out so much differently than I ever could have expected. There have been twists, turns, do overs, screw ups, losses, and endless lessons to lead me to this place. Sterile, unable to reproduce, and happily so. Because for whatever reason God had for it, I didn't end up creating and raising my own child. But he gave me a family and showed me what real, true love feels like. And I have complete peace in making this decision because my body will be happier now, and I can keep moving along this new path that has been forged for me. Planned or not, this is exactly where I was meant to be and I am so grateful and excited for whatever is in store.