Cheryl and Kevin's love story

 

I used to have this dream about a tall man with darker skin. I could never see his face but I knew that he was handsome and I had this feeling that he was the person I was meant to be with. 

Over the years, whenever I would go somewhere I would always keep that in the back of my mind if I saw a man that looked kind of like that. One time I was in Northern California and when we stopped for gas, I saw this guy that was tall. He had darker skin, and was really handsome. He looked right at me and we stared at each other for a minute, but there was no connection and we never saw each other again after that so I figured he must not have been the one. 

Later on when I was working in the mill, I met Kevin's girlfriend. She was pretty and nice and funny and she pointed him out to me and said something about wanting to get her another man. So I said to her, "You better not look twice then if you leave him because he's going to be mine!" She told me, oh yeah? And next thing I knew she had dumped him and moved away. It wasn't long before he started tossing little pieces of wood at my butt from the cut line above me, and we became best friends. We worked next to each other for years after that. 

As we got to know each other and got to talking, we started noticing that our paths crossed over the years, all over the place. One time he was stationed in the south for the army and I happened to be in the same exact town the week of 4th of July that year. He told me about his family going to Antelope Reservoir a lot when he was growing up, and I told him I used to go there and fish. We realized that the family I used to see lined up and fishing along the top of the reservoir by the dam was he and his parents and brothers! 

There have just been so many things, some I can't even remember right now but there is one big one!

Kevin and his family have always spent lots of time hunting over by Fossil, and every year they have a family meeting to decide what units they want to put in for tags on. They get the map out and mark the areas they want to be in and all that. Well one year after we'd just gotten married, I was there when they had the meeting. They got to talking about this one remote part of fossil where there's this cabin they wanted to try to use while they were out there. I got to looking and realized the area looked really familiar, so I looked a little closer and saw that they were talking about a place I'd been lots more times than any of them ever had! 

I started laughing and told them I knew exactly where that cabin was and they told me that there was no way. I said I sure did know and asked if they would like me to call the property owner and ask permission to use it! They had been talking about my best friend Jerry's place. I love that man, he looks and sounds just like Willie Nelson and he's a great person. So I called him up and Kevin just looked at me and couldn't believe that we all knew of this same place and person. 

We've been through so much over the years and we've always been able to talk; we're so connected to each other.

When we first met at the mill, I made him chase me around for months. He asked me over and over to go out with him and I kept saying no. But one day, I finally agreed that he could come over but we were only going to watch a movie- not go anywhere else or do anything. So he came over and we got to smooching and the second I kissed that man I knew he was the one from the dream. Isn't that crazy? I just could feel it. And you know how I know he is? I never had the dream about the tall, dark skinned, handsome man ever again after that day. 

I used to love fall 

The crispness, the rain

Staying cozy and eating warm things instead of going and doing pretty much anything

But suddenly fall doesn't sound so great

I already miss the smell of dust and pines 

The sound of frogs and crickets

And shots ringing through the mountains

Tangled fishing lines

And piles of goldfish crackers

Becoming family on long drives narrated by country songs

Road trips with animals, oceans, and candy shops

Braiding hair and buying best friend necklaces

Boxes of pictures and old stories told into the night

Digging beauty out of a hillside to keep for later

Sweet tea and whiskey

The warm wind in my hair and dirt on my face

His arms around me as the stars twinkle and only we exist

Sunsets painted in colors that look different when you hear "I love you" under them for the first time

I'm not sure anything will ever trump

This summer 

Because it's when I came alive and fell into our forever

 

You may know this about me, but I used to write. Everyday. I haven't for a while and it feels good to be here again. 

I've been kind of busy, and I wanted to share what I've discovered because in my experience, there's no greater way to grow than from the encouragement of others. 

If you know me, you've heard the story. To make it short, I woke up after a very long time and realized that the choices I'd made had created a very lonely life for myself, so I changed it. 

I'm on the other side, somewhere between 'Dont Start Now' by Dua Lipa and 'Good as Hell' by Lizzo. There's a lot of power in rebirth and nothing comes close to telling your past to fuck off as you connect with words like those songs that highlight your growth. But, this is only the beginning of whatever is coming for me...

When I left my old life and came home, I was pretty sure I was a badass that had it all figured out. Part of that was true, but really, I was a glass woman walking around throwing myself at sharp objects. When you live in bubble wrap there's nothing more enticing than jumping off a ledge, believe me! Luckily, I had some people that cared about me through that stage where I was a bull in a china shop (or were literally in it with me) when I couldn't figure out why bubble wrap and knives didn't fit together like I wanted them to. Looking back, I'm so grateful that I had (and still have) those people around who walked with me in the midst of that mess because in the end their patience, advice, and perspective helped make me stronger. In fact, some of the conversations I have had about that really intense stage have changed my life and encouraged me to do the hard thing: become comfortable knowing that I am strong and I am more than enough. 

There were too many years where I did what no woman should do- I begged and sacrificed my own happiness to try to earn love that wasn't there. But in the end, I found my worth and value. That seems elementary, but when you have never felt worthy, it's big stuff, baby. 

I'm still here in this in between and my life shifts daily with my wants and discovering my needs as they surface. But I now know exactly where I want my life to end up, and embrace that I have no idea how I'm meant to get there, with who, or when. And I'm in love with that. Finally I can look ahead and just be content that I can see outside of the walls I put around me. For the first time I can remember, I am so happy with my own company that I can be patient until whatever is waiting in the wings comes along. 

I broke my own heart on several occasions in this journey, skinned my pride pretty bad a time or two, but I learned that in the end we're all just doing the best we can and the things that last are always gained through trial and error. I gained some pretty amazing friends from those lessons and realized what gold I have in those people that had already walked with me through all the crazy through the years. 

I guess what I wanted to say in case it makes a difference to anyone is that we are never set in concrete. We are meant to be fluid beings and sometimes life goes in directions we never expected. But when that happens, it's okay to go. Our roots grow back and get stronger when they're fed with soil they belong in. Change is not only intimidating, sometimes it's petrifying but don't let fear keep you where you don't belong. 

You make someone's heart swell, your existence is significant to someone, you are valuable in ways you may never even discover. You fucking matter and are making an imprint on someone's soul. So don't settle, wherever that may land in your life, don't waste years compromising when you could be flourishing, because your happiness is worth every second of discomfort needed to get there. You can do the hard thing.   

I may not have a clue what tomorrow has in store but for the first time in forever, I can breathe and enjoy that today I get to be the best version of me that I thought died so long ago, and it's never ever too late for you to do the same.

Seeking

These are excerpts from a series of recurrent dreams I've had for years. I'm hoping one day we'll find what we're looking for, but until then, I'll chronicle it because the picture is pretty interesting: 1  We’ve been here once before. Golden sun enveloped the hill that bragged of safety and beauty then too. Inside, the crystalline pools were embellished in gold and a tropical blue. It was regal and peaceful and felt so much more like home than anywhere else. I knew we had been seeking it our entire lives the moment that we arrived. 

2    We’re out again, searching as we always do. Our urgency is present but it’s begun to wane. I don’t know what it means. The property is protected by barbed wire and as we enter the trail we see that the cougars are here again. They seem to find us wherever we go and they’ve yet to come too close. Regardless, I’m caught between going in the opposite direction before they arrive and keeping my bearings and going in the right direction. I feel like I can divine the place like an ancient to water. I know where we are supposed to be, yet I couldn’t tell you if you asked me. But my heart knows it. And the cougars are always here. 

3 It's been a while since we sought. It seems we've settled in this land of the lifeless. There's no color here, not really. Maybe muted tones if you really look, but it feels like everywhere your eyes land there's a layer of dust. For some reason I don't really mind it, and every time I walk into the building from the bland yard our room has shifted.  But it's never exciting enough to even concern me. It's just a different room, like having a space shift into another is what happens when you leave. That's how it feels here, and like everything since we arrived I don't quite get it. What does any of this mean? Where is everyone at? I'm sure we will find out eventually but until then we're here in a dusty hotel that feels so big in a reality that's so small. Until that road appears again, I guess this is where we will stay. I can't see beyond the mist anyway and if I try hard enough, I can see the cats waiting. I wonder how long they'll stay? Hopefully they can find food until we are free because I know we will need their sense of direction. I know that mine seems to have disappeared completely.

My generation has embraced and undergone a massive shift that we've called deconstruction. This wave of youth that were raised in a radical time of "secular" vs "Christian" entertainment and black and white values suddenly was faced with reality as they entered an adult world that was not what they were taught. We were not at Creation (or Joshua or Acquire the Fire) Festival, we were in a day to day grind that exposed us to -gasp- sin. And it was staggering, and overwhelming... and it led to a revolution that I think has made those of use that truly have chosen to do so, greater lovers of God.

College threw me into a tailspin. I was caught between feeling like I had a duty to attend church, but also curious about parties and new kinds of people. I was stepping in to life in the wild after being kept in a very, very well kept but carefully sheltered environment.  I found myself sitting in chairs surrounded by people that often looked like me and that didn't bother me at first. I was a white middle class girl who had never really struggled much and seeing that reflected all around me felt... comfortable I guess. It didn't occur to me that all the kinds of people that weren't like me were out there somewhere doing something else. I didn't think to question the disparity,  nor did I crave the richness their uniqueness created. Because I didn't know any better.

So I rode the line for a while and I began to find pockets of myself in areas I didn't expect. Music and writing nagged at me in a way that forced me to push them together so that I could be free of the joy and obsession they took up in me. Adults with disabilities started to infiltrate my heart and my fear of their unknowns became a love for their untainted joy. I found God where I could experience perfection in moments that reflected love. I saw it all around me, in communities I had never observed before- but it's important to say that I didn't really see it in church.

It didn't take long before I began to question why I didn't see a bunch of disabled people in church growing up. Why didn't I get to be a part of a congregation that embraced people that grew up something other than white and conservative?  Where were the weirdos, the eccentrics? All my favorite kinds of people were suddenly so glaringly absent from the one place that was supposed to symbolize an all loving community.

The day I stopped going to church was on the tails of a very turbulent time in my life. My world had crumbled in about every way it could in that moment, and I had a nice group of church friends to distract me while I got through it without ever sharing anything about my struggle.  I got close to God in that time, and experienced weird stuff like spiritual warfare- which I never actually thought was real. But I came out of it with one understanding:  we are all, every last one of us, entitled to forgiveness.  That day, I sat in church and listened as the pastor- who genuinely loves God so much!- talked about his plans for the rest of the giant property the church had purchased. He wanted to build a vineyard to go alongside a building that had cost over a million dollars to erect and adorn. Recently a homeless man had given a testimony about how an elder there had taken him into their home and helped him off the streets, and I thought about that as I looked around at the gargantuan church. I thought about the vineyard and I wondered why with tens of acres of property would they plant a vineyard when they could singlehandedly solve the homeless crisis in our area? Jesus would have housed those who were hurting and in need. He would have used that land not to become more pretty but to serve those He loved- which is everyone.

I never went back after that day because I've never been able to forget what it felt like to be enabling elitism. The church is to be an example, a light upon a hill- not a mansion with invisible gates of separation. I've been to a lot of churches and found great, loving people. But nowhere within those walls have I ever found what I feel is the heart of Jesus- which is actual inclusion. Not to talk about it, not to recruit for it, but a true all encompassing culture of love without borders. Of all those who seek Him- regardless of sexual preference or identity, financial status, political party, or any other factor that can be divisive or judged as unworthy or too risky.

My generation has chosen in large to  experience deconstruction. In the rebuilding, I think God often gets left out of the process because some find they don't want to be a part of something that is hypocritical by design or that they never really chose or knew Him. I don't know what it means that the church has become a symbol of bigotry and if that's because of a progressive culture peeling back the layers or if we've just completely lost our footing. I think the truth is always somewhere in between and it applies here as well as anywhere.

What I do know- what I'm absolutely sure of- is that in my reconstruction of faith I have found God in every corner of my life and reflections of Him in everyone I meet. In the process, I 've overcome bias I was born into and learned to love those I once feared. I'm not afraid of catching someone's sin by association any longer, I just try really hard to look at life through their eyes. On my best days I succeed at that and on my worst I lean toward unwarranted judgment.  I'm human, but I love people and so did Jesus. I choose love and I advocate for forgiveness by example. I have chosen forgiveness where I've seen many withhold it out of anger. I do this not because of pride but because in the shoes of those I forgive, I'd sure like to be on the receiving end as well. Jesus chose forgiveness  over all else- without condition - and so I have decided I also must follow suit.

I am fallen and broken and truly a hot mess express a lot of the time. I often cuss like a sailor, which is probably something Jesus didn't do. I also struggle with depression and anxiety on a level that many will never have to- but I'm still child of God and follower of Jesus and that is something I understand and hold more dearly than anything else in my life. I don't know how to feel about the fact that it took stepping away from the church to find Jesus in the world all around me.

There is one corner
On this road
As I rise on its bank
There is a barn
With a rounded roof
And it's shape
And presence
Transform the field
On which it lays
Into home
In a split second
I feel roots extend
Where my foot
Meets the pedal
Like one day
I may be joined
To this land
Like back home
One day
My roots may dig
Into this fertile earth
And ground me here
But for now
It's just this corner

I Miss You

    He came to me for five years in a row. Always silent, always kind. We both knew he couldn’t stay but I always tried to keep him anyway. I told him about life and what had transpired since our last visit and what I knew of his friends and family as well. We never had enough time, just like when he was here with me. The clock always struck and we hugged our last as he walked away into the bright whiteness once again.