My generation has embraced and undergone a massive shift that we've called deconstruction. This wave of youth that were raised in a radical time of "secular" vs "Christian" entertainment and black and white values suddenly was faced with reality as they entered an adult world that was not what they were taught. We were not at Creation (or Joshua or Acquire the Fire) Festival, we were in a day to day grind that exposed us to -gasp- sin. And it was staggering, and overwhelming... and it led to a revolution that I think has made those of use that truly have chosen to do so, greater lovers of God.

College threw me into a tailspin. I was caught between feeling like I had a duty to attend church, but also curious about parties and new kinds of people. I was stepping in to life in the wild after being kept in a very, very well kept but carefully sheltered environment.  I found myself sitting in chairs surrounded by people that often looked like me and that didn't bother me at first. I was a white middle class girl who had never really struggled much and seeing that reflected all around me felt... comfortable I guess. It didn't occur to me that all the kinds of people that weren't like me were out there somewhere doing something else. I didn't think to question the disparity,  nor did I crave the richness their uniqueness created. Because I didn't know any better.

So I rode the line for a while and I began to find pockets of myself in areas I didn't expect. Music and writing nagged at me in a way that forced me to push them together so that I could be free of the joy and obsession they took up in me. Adults with disabilities started to infiltrate my heart and my fear of their unknowns became a love for their untainted joy. I found God where I could experience perfection in moments that reflected love. I saw it all around me, in communities I had never observed before- but it's important to say that I didn't really see it in church.

It didn't take long before I began to question why I didn't see a bunch of disabled people in church growing up. Why didn't I get to be a part of a congregation that embraced people that grew up something other than white and conservative?  Where were the weirdos, the eccentrics? All my favorite kinds of people were suddenly so glaringly absent from the one place that was supposed to symbolize an all loving community.

The day I stopped going to church was on the tails of a very turbulent time in my life. My world had crumbled in about every way it could in that moment, and I had a nice group of church friends to distract me while I got through it without ever sharing anything about my struggle.  I got close to God in that time, and experienced weird stuff like spiritual warfare- which I never actually thought was real. But I came out of it with one understanding:  we are all, every last one of us, entitled to forgiveness.  That day, I sat in church and listened as the pastor- who genuinely loves God so much!- talked about his plans for the rest of the giant property the church had purchased. He wanted to build a vineyard to go alongside a building that had cost over a million dollars to erect and adorn. Recently a homeless man had given a testimony about how an elder there had taken him into their home and helped him off the streets, and I thought about that as I looked around at the gargantuan church. I thought about the vineyard and I wondered why with tens of acres of property would they plant a vineyard when they could singlehandedly solve the homeless crisis in our area? Jesus would have housed those who were hurting and in need. He would have used that land not to become more pretty but to serve those He loved- which is everyone.

I never went back after that day because I've never been able to forget what it felt like to be enabling elitism. The church is to be an example, a light upon a hill- not a mansion with invisible gates of separation. I've been to a lot of churches and found great, loving people. But nowhere within those walls have I ever found what I feel is the heart of Jesus- which is actual inclusion. Not to talk about it, not to recruit for it, but a true all encompassing culture of love without borders. Of all those who seek Him- regardless of sexual preference or identity, financial status, political party, or any other factor that can be divisive or judged as unworthy or too risky.

My generation has chosen in large to  experience deconstruction. In the rebuilding, I think God often gets left out of the process because some find they don't want to be a part of something that is hypocritical by design or that they never really chose or knew Him. I don't know what it means that the church has become a symbol of bigotry and if that's because of a progressive culture peeling back the layers or if we've just completely lost our footing. I think the truth is always somewhere in between and it applies here as well as anywhere.

What I do know- what I'm absolutely sure of- is that in my reconstruction of faith I have found God in every corner of my life and reflections of Him in everyone I meet. In the process, I 've overcome bias I was born into and learned to love those I once feared. I'm not afraid of catching someone's sin by association any longer, I just try really hard to look at life through their eyes. On my best days I succeed at that and on my worst I lean toward unwarranted judgment.  I'm human, but I love people and so did Jesus. I choose love and I advocate for forgiveness by example. I have chosen forgiveness where I've seen many withhold it out of anger. I do this not because of pride but because in the shoes of those I forgive, I'd sure like to be on the receiving end as well. Jesus chose forgiveness  over all else- without condition - and so I have decided I also must follow suit.

I am fallen and broken and truly a hot mess express a lot of the time. I often cuss like a sailor, which is probably something Jesus didn't do. I also struggle with depression and anxiety on a level that many will never have to- but I'm still child of God and follower of Jesus and that is something I understand and hold more dearly than anything else in my life. I don't know how to feel about the fact that it took stepping away from the church to find Jesus in the world all around me.