My Heart Is In Uganda

                                                       This is Alex, and several of the kids in the village, having a dance party.





Today, my heart is in Uganda, a land I've never had the pleasure of visiting, though I think of it often.

A woman I consider a good friend of mine has dedicated her life to loving Uganda and it's people. She is the person with whom I took belly dancing classes and went out dancing with, the friend I've had long conversations with about life and God, and whose amazing wedding I was gladly a part of.  She moved only months ago, but as I view the beautiful pictures she's posts online, I can see that she is right where she belongs. Yet she does not do it alone. She has married an amazing man who's mission is to better his community and teach them to be self sufficient and not depend solely on foreign aide to survive. Seemingly a simple idea for life, but much harder to implement in the reality of a world that needs motivation, education, and guidance to keep a community together and encouraged to help one another not only in this generation, but the next - when poverty is a very stark reality. Their goal is not just to get through today, but to build a future in Uganda, one village at a time. And they are not just talking about it, but really doing it. I've seen my friends start programs to educate about HIV and AIDS, how to practice basic hygiene, and learn important tasks such as raising animals and using them to support a family. Again, seemingly simple ideas, but they are being used to change lives.

As a person who has always lived a life of extreme luxury in comparison to the very simple ways that my friends live, I am so humbled in realizing what I have. I am also embarassed that by 25 I have not reached out more to help others. What is life if it is spent solely on oneself or family? Is there not an entire community surrounding each of us, and outside of that a larger region? Are we not each capable of changing and affecting our own worlds to some degree? My friend grew up in the very same country community of less than 10,000 people that I did. She played on the same volleyball team in high school as me, and attended all the same events. We are not so different, but the one element that changes everything is that she has chosen to act, just as her husband has spent so much of his life doing. Her life has been sacrificed here in the US, she does not have the opportunity to see her family or friends as often as if she were here. She does not get to spend holidays with those she is close to in the states. Yet we love her nonetheless, because with the man she was so clearly meant to be with, she is changing this world one heart at a time.

I am so proud to call her and her husband my friends. I must also say that her life everyday inspires me to become a better person and open my eyes to the things that are so often unseen in remedial news and subjects that come across facebook and social media. My life is changed simply by knowing  one couple that has given everything for the greater good. We are not all called to international missions, many of us are not called to do leave our immediate community. But we are all called to love. Within our towns, schools, workplace, and family, we all have the option to love and be a great influence, to live by example and change lives by being the kind of person we want to encounter in others.

As the great Mother Teresa once said, " I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." 

Thank you Elysia and Keneth for being the kind of people that myself and others can be so proud to know. 

2013 Here I Come

I find it rather ironic and hipsteresque to be doing this, but I feel that for me it is a tool for learning, healing and goals. This has been a year of trials and tribulations that my life has had yet to experience. Lots of twists and turns and ins and outs. Lots and lots and lots of learning about myself. It's difficult to accept that the person you've always viewed yourself to be is not always the person you truly are through your actions. It's also interesting to discover that about those around you. So, as one could imagine, I have many goals in the coming year to keep me on track with becoming a better version of myself each and every day. They are as follows.

1) Treat those I love with compassion and never take a second with them for granted.
2) Treat others as I would truly want to be treated if I were in their shoes.
3) Continue chasing my passions with vigor.
4) Do something outside of my comfort zone.
5) Focus on things that enrich my life and avoid anything that would negatively affect it.
6) Look less to the future and live more in today.
7) Live by the words that I write.
8) Take that road trip.
9) Do anything I'd like to before becoming a mother.
10) Live as healthy of a lifestyle as is reasonable and possible.

The Red Hot Revolution

I've always prided myself on being pretty submerged in the world of music. It's just part of me, I suppose. Throughout the years, I've seen upwards of fifty acts- everything from country, to Christian, to rap, reggae, and rock. I've seen a little bit of everything, but I was not at all prepared for what was in store for me when I went to see one of my favorite bands of all time, The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

It was cold outside the Rose Quarter, in the lines of fans waiting to check their tickets and start rocking. That 30 minutes felt like a brief eternity, but it was well worth it when my husband and I made our way to our seats and realized that we were only 6 rows up from the side of the stage. Couldn't have gotten a better view if we'd tried.

We were taking some run of the mill Facebook pictures on our phones when I spotted Blackie Dammett, Anthony Kiedis' dad. I don't know what's wrong with me, to be honest, because I'd like to think I'm one of those cool fans that doesn't get star struck. But no, I blurted out without thinking, "Hey! That's Anthony's Dad!!!" My husband of course turned around just in time to see Blackie booking it the other way. Sweet, so I had become that fan. Yuck.  I tried to compose myself after being really embarrassed by my lack of discretion (although in all fairness, there were literally 4 people in our section at the time and none of them heard me). We settled in, welcomed some good friends we hadn't seen in forever, and readied ourselves for a wild night.

The opening band was The Rebirth Brass Band, a New Orleans based group that was full of funk and soul. I couldn't help but bop along to the beat of the snare drum as it mingled with the sax, trumpet, trombone, and tuba. I fought the urge to stand up and bust out some salsa moves that I didn't even know I had until I felt it in that music! The only disappointment I had with this fantastic opener was that the entire audience seemed to have a lack of enthusiasm for these amazing musicians. There were very few people even moving, and none were standing. Since we're being candid here, I was a bit embarrassed that Portland would react in such a way. I know they have more soul than that and it seemed really disrespectful to be "too cool" for a band that was showing up everyone, and had just traveled here from the other side of the country.

Remember now that our seats were stage right, so before anyone else realized it, I saw Flea come out, all incognito in a beanie and big ol puffy jacket (like we wouldn't recognize someone with his build and moves at his show). I had read that he really loved this band, so it was cool to get to see him enjoy their music as a fan himself, dancing along, moving with the grooves. He has always played trumpet and I can imagine that he must have a great respect for these guys, because they really brought it! It was sad to see that once people around Flea realized it was him watching, that they bothered him and tried to get pictures and talk to and touch him. He literally just ignored them and tried to enjoy the show, but it became a fruitless effort and he had to move away from his fans, presumably so that they would focus on Rebirth rather than him. I'm proud to say that when I noticed him, I just whispered to my husband that that's who was down there, but didn't say anything else so that no one in our section at least would do anything.I realized then more than ever that Flea and the rest of the guys were just like myself or my husband, people that love music and like to experience it. Yeah, they have sweet jobs, but at the end of the day, we're all just people. As that reality sunk in a little more, I stopped worrying about what Flea was doing and soaked in Rebirth and the incredible talent that I was lucky enough to experience. If at any time in my life I have another chance to see them, I'm going to boogie down so hard, because I'm already regretting not letting loose and living it up as completely as I could have during their show.

Changing sets after Rebirth created a sense of anticipation that was palpable. The whole Rose Garden just was buzzing and I could hear people all around me talking about how stoked they were to be there and guessing what songs would be played. And before we knew what hit us, the lights were down and this show was getting started.

I've heard stories about the on stage antics and chemistry between these guys, but it's a whole different medium to experience first hand. It is so apparent that they have several decades of experience working with one another and learning how to play off each other. Had no one known that Josh was only in his second official year with the band, they'd have never sensed it otherwise. He fit into the crazy crew like the missing piece of a puzzle. I really can't describe Josh's presence other than to say that it makes sense to me that he and John have collaborated together, because they both have a quiet confidence about them- and this kind of indescribable comfort in what they are doing. It's like Josh was just really lost in his guitar, letting himself channel through it, letting it move him wherever it chose to. I gained a new found respect for him because of that. He was dressed in a ragged over sized t-shirt and some really normal red track pants, looked nothing like the rock star he is, but it didn't matter because his heart was pouring out of his guitar and that overshadowed everything else about him. Anthony's dance moves were so clearly from what he was feeling and not in any way choreographed or planned, and I loved that so much about him. It took all of two songs for him to lose his shirt, and I don't think a soul in that place was surprised when it happened. Anthony is  as known for being half naked as he is being a health nut. This aspect of his life was made apparent by the fact that at 50 years old, he was in very good shape and looked nothing short of  healthy and vibrant. For some reason, seeing his famous tattoos in person was another one of those humbling moments that made me realize that he's just a guy, mind you with sweet tattoos, but there's nothing mystical about them, other than that they mean something special to him personally. Anyway- Anthony and Flea just did whatever felt good, and sometimes that included galloping around, other times it was rocking that bass so hard it just made sense to lay on the ground to do it. This free spirited nature took Flea across the stage in a walking hand stand that could probably rival an amateur gymnast.  I found it to be really endearing that Anthony and Flea wore coordinating one and a half leg pants with tube socks and sneaks. It seemed kind of like an homage to the days when they did far more inappropriate things with their wardrobe, or lack thereof. Chad had a really great energy about him and seemed content in his role which is the funny guy, Mr.Personality. But mostly, he's just a really incredible drummer who seems to absolutely love what he is doing. He was throwing out drum sticks every few beats there for a while and got the hugest grin on his face when he'd look out at the crowd. We got a really good  taste of his fun side when he hung from the lighting fixture at the end of the night, and  left the stage with the standard tongue out, rock on horns in the air before he was out.

All of these elements collided in such a way that a really beautiful show was born. Although the lights and effects really added to the atmosphere, I would have been completely content to have them on a bare stage with a white background. I was just in awe of these men I'd grown up listening to and was so excited to be sharing this moment with my husband and friends. It really was surreal in so many ways. The set list was comprised of a wide variety of their best songs, not all huge hits, but well worth experiencing nonetheless. I've always been a bigger fan of some of their b-sides and lesser known songs, so it was awesome to hear Universally Speaking and Can't Stop right along with Snow and Under The Bridge. It was a well rounded experience in terms of the songs that were displayed. I've read that the Chili's don't often change up this set much, but as far as I'm concerned, they could do any combination of every song they played that night for every show forever on and it would still be an unforgettable time.

This is definitely speculation, but I would say Anthony must have been sick that night, as he was sipping tea consistently between songs.  Maybe it was just the effects of being on tour that was roughing up his voice a bit, maybe nothing was wrong, I have no idea. Regardless, his voice sounded incredible, far greater than I expected it to be live, actually. The one time he was having a tough time, he took a tea break and Flea and Josh gladly obliged to jamming with Chad for a bit. I thought it was so awesome that they had this synergy about them, always facing one another, feeling the music and letting it lead the jam. That is what music is all about, allowing it to just be, rather than creating a template for what we expect it to become. That was another really big moment for me that night, as i looked out at the crowd and realized how everyone was so pumped and moved by this beautiful thing that was happening onstage, I realized the immense power of music can have over our emotions. It can make us feel some intense things, and in that moment, I felt a sense of pride for these men and what they have preserved over the years and evolved into.

Of course no show can go on with only a band, there are always people behind the scenes and sometimes on stage, that help make it happen. Case in point: Mauro Refosco, a brilliant, well educated, trained percussionist from Brazil that played so many unidentifiable instruments that I can't even begin to explain. He played this thing that looked like a tree of tambourines, some bongos, and several other types of percussion instruments that made the concert so much better for their contribution of texture to the music. He jammed with Chad during a solo and that was really awesome to see because they were really in their zone. It was pretty clear that he was having a great time as well, which helped for sure. The addition of Mauro to the I'm With You album, and on tour, is proof that RHCP has discovered over the years that expanding their breadth of instrumental variety adds so much dimension to their music. I compare where they are now to the Blood Sugar Sex Magik album (which is amazing, don't misunderstand here), and they are two different musical forces. It was a real pleasure to have the opportunity to experience a musical evolution, as it were, in the concert as they visited a little bit of several of their albums. I feel that this showed the stark contrast of where the Chili Peppers have been as a band over the years.

As the last notes of Give It Away wrapped up, I instantly began to miss this show I'd been looking forward to for months  that I didn't want to admit was over. Never in my life had I experienced something so musically unforgettable as this concert. There are some moments in your life you know that you will hold in such high regard that you will use them as the standard by which to compare all other similar experiences. By a landslide, The Red Hot Chili Peppers set and hold that standard in my heart, and will forever be the act that I will be comparing my coming musical adventures to.

Cheers to the Chili's for an unbelievable night. 

Forgiveness

One of my many aims in life is to love like this woman loves. At the end of my life, I want to know that I used my ability to do the hardest thing that we as humans can do: forgive. We are all called to it and have been given it freely, and yet we so rarely take advantage of such a tremendous opportunity. How free of our soul's cancers we'd be if we just stepped out into the uncomfortable air, breathed it in, and accepted that this too is part of life we must face to get to the good stuff.

I hope you took the time to watch this video. It is well worth the 5 minutes it takes out of your life.

Fool's Gold

With desperation I grasp in this way and that
Hoping that I'll have enough when the day is done
In the secrecy of my humble abode, I gently unload my loot
This precious gold that was never my own
In its reflection I can see stories lived out by those better than myself
Smiling, laughing, playing, dancing
For them it was never a facade, it was simply life
Jealously feeds my intentions with force
And I ferociously piece the thieved goods into one
Try as I may, I can create nothing greater than a mosaic
Beaming faces of young children and of wise elders stare back at me without judgement
They never knew me, but their happiness flows over still
My hands tremble as I attempt to mount this beautiful new plaquard
Of stolen souls and fool's gold
Its beauty is radiant and I want to get lost in it forever
But I know that behind the perfect veneer hides a most disappointing feature
The truth
It exists out of sight but is ever present
These memories, they were never mine, and they can never be
I must return them before their rightful owners are made aware
As I yearn to  hang my prized possession, I instead let it fall to the floor and shatter
Into pieces it falls, and in pieces I must return it
One by one, I make my peace with those I have tried shamefully to mimic
Yet painfully failed to be
 When at last I am devoid of anything but myself, I sit alone and ponder
If I will ever be anything greater than a thief of beautiful moments
I must replace my wanting with a greater good
Perhaps it is time for me to begin my own plaquard
Comprised of me and you and all that has ever been
Yet I somehow failed to see
It is there I will find the inspiration
For my own authentic masterpiece

Family

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with family. "

Very few quotes hit home with me quite like this one. It pierces my heart and fills me with joy and humbleness. This simple sentence is a reflection of many of the fibers interwoven into my being, the mere threads that hold me together.

 For someone inexperienced in life as myself, I have endured many a heartache. I made decisions that I wasn't proud of and my actions often screamed volumes about the state of my soul. I've been a wreck, a hot mess, if you will, to the point of desperation. When my pain wasn't self inflicted, it seemed to find me from other sources-friends, boyfriends, growing pains, death. The latter found me much earlier than anyone would be willing to welcome it, and as much as its presence always hurt, I found that I numbed to the dark cloud that loomed over those trying times in a way that was necessary. And it just kept coming back, for eight visits by my 21st birthday.

In those hours of darkness, when all I could do was doubt myself and my life's direction, it was hard to stand tall enough to reach out for a hand to help. When I cried myself to sleep because all I wanted was the simplicity of a hug or a spoken word from someone I'd lost, I often tried to conceal it for fear of inflicting more hurt on those I cared about. What I slowly began to realize however, was that when I needed it the most, I always had a hand to lift me up and an embrace to lean into- I just had to open my eyes to it.

Being a woman now, looking back on my life as a child, I see how immensely blessed I have been to grow up in the family that I have. My parents aren't and never were perfect, but they love each other and have endured a lot together- 29 years worth of life lessons they have earned. Each of them has a unique story to tell and used their experiences to teach my brother and I the truly important aspects of life-to love one another, treat everyone as you would want to be treated, and that we are wonderful just exactly the way we are.

Whether we had blue hair and started a band, or were dance fanatics with a secret  affinity for poetry, we were always accepted by our parents. I'm sure it wasn't easy to support two radically different children in the same home- especially as teens. But they always honored our free will, and they endured more than their share of  teen anguish. Yet they persevered. There were times our foundation would crack, only to be mended by our refusal to give up. We are a family, and families stick together to the very end, at least some, like ours, are lucky enough to have such a luxury.

Somewhere along the way, my brother and I grew up. It's like it happened over night, we woke up one day and had lives of our own- homes to take care of, bills to pay. Suddenly the invisible tasks that we'd never detected before as part of life became very apparent. I know that in those early adult years we both gained appreciation for what we'd always been given- a carefree home. We'd never been burdened with the issues behind the scenes. We'd been made accountable for that which was worthy of a child or teen to take responsibility for, but the rest was handled by our parents.

 Every member of our little family is as different as each of the cardinal directions. We have our flaws and our quirks, but the blood flowing through our veins that is rich in love much exceeds those frivolous details. It's our common thread that we can claim. A heritage that gathers pieces of many nations, yet is rooted in our homeland, that unites us.

I never realized until I was old enough to understand that there were stories that didn't start or end as happily as mine that I was, and am to this day, very fortunate. It wasn't until we almost lost the patriarchal piece of our perfectly fit puzzle that I realized what I had to lose.

In the moment that I stepped into that hospital, and saw the man who had dedicated his life to helping give me everything he could, lying weakly in a bed with wires attached to his heart, I realized that all I had ever really loved existed in that small room. He was joined by the woman who endured a lifetime of hurt before she reached high school, yet grew up to be a strong and vibrant soul. The kid who had grown into a strong and brilliant man that supported me in every way with his quiet, protective approval was there hurting with us. They were my life. And thankfully, all three of them are still here to share each moment with. I believe that our strength and support is largely responsible for my Dad's recovery, aside from the real and true blessing that it was.

I am not here to boast of a life of superiority. I have endured much, and have many years of challenges ahead of me, like anyone walking this Earth in today's world. Yet I know that I am not alone, because even when the world fails me and I feel I'm standing on my own, I never will be. There  is a safety net of my own flesh and blood at the ready if ever I should stumble, and I know where my place  is in that net when I, too, have the responsibility to catch one that I love.

There are many things I have yet to learn and few that I know for sure. But of this I am certain, the one constant in this physical life is the family we've been given. I am thankful for the extraordinary souls that make up mine, for they have made all the difference. 

Inconclusive

My mind wanders round you in circles
Mystified, perplexed, and content
You are not black, nor are you white
Some transient rainbow of all that lies in between
That seems to be your palette, my friend
With hearty tools of theory I dissect you
But the conclusion is always the same
Inconclusive
You can't be boxed or caged
Try as I may, I will never tame you enough for the answer
Yet maybe somewhere stirring within me
Mingling with the curiosity of your mystery
Is the fact that I don't want to know
Without the burden of your secret's unraveling, I can dream
And fly around your heart as I ponder
The root of your existence