I've always written to process. 

But now I'm finding that when I do share certain things about myself, I want it to have purpose other than just venting. So I write less. 

However, I've come to believe if you don't share what you've grown through with others that may be in the same boat, you might be taking away a chance to encourage them as they brave the same waters. So here goes, I guess.

I am 35, still young in theory, but almost middle aged and who knows how long my life will end up being. For almost two decades, I was someone most now wouldn't recognize as the same person. My ideals, stances on social issues, politics, eating, living, faith, everything that matters- was different. 

It wasn't long ago that someone who knew me very well said that I take on the lifestyle and identity of who I am with. Looking back at the few relationships I had when she said it, I realized with some frustration and embarrassment that she was right. But today, I look at the lifestyle I'm living and how it feels like home and am trying to put the pieces together in the 'why' behind that. 

Maybe being with someone that values and sees me as a partner instead of a liability has made the difference.  Maybe it's coming home to my roots, returning to my family and hometown. Very possibly getting to become a parent for the first time and wanting to set an example she can respect and follow. Probably a combination of all of it. All I know is that the person I was before feels like an exoskeleton I finally shed and I'm proud that I grew out if her for the right reasons. 

Today, I'm obsessed with simplicity. Still a cheap ass, though lol Still into natural things, but I've learned that my place with the land is to harvest what it gives me and I would love for that to continue including animals, a thought my prior self used to shy away from. My facebook exists so I can learn from groups of women who hunt, do handywork, garden, and try to be great stepmoms. I look at politics from the scope of how they impact my family, community and country a large scale, but I try to see distractions for what they are rather than feeding into mass hysteria. I'm trying to learn. 

I traded in plans for 'hot girl summer' for concerted efforts for a healthy and prepared hunting season. I'm not the slim, trim, crossfit goer I was for a split second before, but I am happy with myself and learning to appreciate how strong and capable my body is. Hiking for 6 hours during elk season taught me the same thing crossfit did: I can do hard things. 

I still carry some nasty trauma with me that people would never expect because, hello, its not fun to talk about so I really dont with most people. Experiencing a very long toxic relationship, being toxic to function within it, living with an addict of any kind, it's stuff that you have to learn to rewire from after its over. And it takes time... A lot of time. It isnt easy, but its not an excuse to be fucked up and dysfunctional, either. Plus, I've learned I can do hard things, remember? Learning to live with it rather than suffer from it is a long process, but I've had a great teacher in that arena and he's shown me what patience and love looks like. Having a partner that understands you as much or better than you understand yourself is a gift I cannot begin to describe.  But it's helped me change my own life, although I'm far from being where I'd someday like to be, but aren't we all if we're being honest?

We're all a work in progress. Guess I just wanted to acknowledge that and hoped that if anyone is being hard on themselves for the same thing that I might provide a word of encouragement to never stop chasing what makes you happy. It took me 20 years to get back home, to be true to who I really am and have always been deep down. Don't shy away from what makes you who you are, because in the pursuit of running away from it, all you do is lose yourself in the process. Besides, there's no place like home. Isn't that what the little twit in red shoes taught us? 😉