I Don't Know

I don't know...
Three of the most petrifying words that ruminate in my world, my mind, and from my mouth.
To me, knowledge is comfort, safety, my precious security.
If I know all that the greatest of men have known, if I can predict my fate, then I have the power to protect my sterile, isolated world from that which can desecrate it.
The unknown is such a vast, hapless place.
It's a black hole, full of my fears and insecurities, open to steal what remains of my confidence, and closed to the possibility of retrieving past failures.
It is also the sum of my greatest fears, embodied as a disfigured ghoul that lurks in the shadows.
To face this monstrosity that rules over me in my darkest hours is a risk of indescribable proportions.
I see myself walk toward the giant with a bent cardboard sword, defenseless by definition, but carrying the courage of a lioness before her prey.
I am nothing, really, in head to head combat with my merciless enemy.
But then, so too is the one I face- we're nothing all the same.
I have touched down on this ground before and was thrown to the scavengers as defeat began to rot me away.
But I am back again, and I am wearing the armor I never sought before.
Now I am worthy.
I am ready.
I am not alone, but I am afraid.
Squaring up to a giant comprised of every invisible pain I hold, I raise my useless sword to distract from the knife I pull from my trembling boot.
The battle is waged and my weapon is drawn.
"Who are you, weakling child?!" my enemy roars, grasping my throat in a single motion.
"I don't know", I say with the only breath I can muster, "But I fear you may soon know the wrath of the broken soul."
My dagger is swift, and my courage is full.
His heart is struck deep and his fist is quickly unclenched.
Gasping for breath, regaining my life, I look away from the bloodshed and above to see the perfect blue sky.
What could this be, but a second chance for this lost cause?
Where will I go from here, who will I be?
I don't know, but I will chase the Son and the sky and the beauty of this world until time fails to exist and life is but a trail at the end of a shooting star.
Who am I to those I love and what place do I hold?
I don't know, and that is the journey that I pray will end only when my purpose is fulfilled.