When all that I am feels so very
Small
And feeble
When my mind is heavy
As your heart
When all that I know
Crumbles
To dust
Before me
Still, you are there

All I want to is create
To purge
To share

Yet now is not the time
This is a moment
For silence to reign
For pain to swell
For tears to fall

There are no answers
No take backs
No reviving what has been lost
Or who

But we are here
And we are left
With a task
To live
To love
To rise
For those who have fallen

This is where we begin
It's where we are born
Where we question
Where we seek
Where we pursue solutions

This is square one
We begin at the end
And rewrite the next step
Because there has to be one
It hasn't yet been taken

It seems such a travesty
To flee the very grace
That seeks us with earnest ferver
Enhancement and chiseling
Sometimes also softening
The very definition
Of our short evolution

Are we so shallow
That warding off
What is to be is all we know?

Age, our blessed fate
Is not a foe, but a gift
For without it we are
Unfulfilled, incomplete
Forever young, but never
All we were meant to be

This seems to be the year of awakening...

The time has come!

To stand up to injustice

To join our brothers and sisters in the face of their struggle

To end modern day slavery 

To stop turning a blind eye and start embracing awareness

To reduce our footprint

To LIVE 

To LOVE

To make this the generation that begins the transformation of our future

Your words are written all over on the inside of my soul

It's all I can do not to set them free

For they are 

Beautiful

Adonai and the author

Who am I? 

How is it that my fingers hold this pen to paper in a home that is safe and a country that is free? 

How does everything I've ever learned cohesively allow me to subject you to my endless banter and unsolicited opinions? How could it be that I am alive, born in a world where I was given every needed thing to survive without having to fight for it on my own? 

Am I a product of of spoils, a child of privilege- or is this my role meant to be fulfilled, waiting for another inhabitant in the event that I  was tardy to my post? 

Whatever the reason, I am me.
I am here, and I am thankful.
I am a child of Adonai, I am a unique creation.

Beyond that, my friend, I can't be rightly sure. 

Just as one stamped with the loving spittle of a mother gluing down a stray hair on picture day, I am aware of a parental nurturing beyond my comprehension. 

That stubborn, knowing adoration never abandoned me regardless of the direction I have chosen to travel. 

It was there, but not as a rain of fire or smoldering brimstone looking to scath me in every wrong turn. 

It was simply waiting- gently, patiently for me to come on back so we could talk about the experience and troubleshoot the areas that caused me to suffer, as well as what went great. 

That is the love of a parent, the strength of a leader, the hand of a savior. 

THAT is my Adonai,

Not the white youth group Jesus we have created, but the true God of the universe. He's the one that loves addicts, prostitutes, fishermen, tax collectors and every single person in between. 

He is not simply organic or pure, but the Genesis of all organisms down to the atomic level.

He is the science behind intelligent design. The Savior of all of humanity is not simply a perfect man, but the Living God. 

That is Adonai, the ancient and sacred name of the Lord, the only name that I would want to grace my body. 

This temple that he created is a vessel for all that I am, have been, and am yet to be. 

I may not know who I am or where I fit most days, but every day He calls me something I know to be his own for me-Author.

There was a day when I wanted my God to call me another name, I wanted for my purpose to be different. 

But now that I've heard it, now that I know, I would never want anything other than what I was meant for, and it feels like that's exactly what this is. 

I don't know if everybody has this experience of feeling drawn toward that which they are made to fulfill, and I don't know if anybody will believe that this is mine. 

That doesn't matter to me as much as the fact that I know it's true. 

Who am I? 

Most days I can't be rightly sure, 

But I do know that there's someone so much greater than I who calls me Author, and that seems to fit just right.

Living in the real world...

So, I gave up Facebook for a week, mostly to see if I could do it. I did lapse one time on my most stressful day during the week, checking my feed yo soothe my anxiety. That was a weird realization, seeing that was something that relieved my unrelated stress.

Otherwise, I stayed away and I can admit that in moments mostly of boredom, it was hard. When I wanted to do research for a review I was working in, I had to rely on other sources. And, I didn't get to share any selfies, even when I really wanted to because I had some awesome times with friends that I wanted to share!

But alas, I came to a conclusion:  my participation in social media is a lot of ego stroking. It's mostly to share things that are going on with me, happened to me, or are interesting to me. Me, me, me. Sure, thats applicable to some degree maybe for a couple family members and close friends, but mostly a bunch of stuff people don't care about.

You know how I know they don't care? Because as I was away from the constant updates of everyone's lives from high school acquaintances to immediate family, I realized I didn't miss their updates. Everything I wanted or needed to know, I found out directly from my friends and family during this time. It made me feel connected to them, in a real way.  You know, like it used to be.

To summarize my experience, I would say these things:

1) It was embarrassingly hard, and I didn't succeed the whole week at avoiding social media. I was truly addicted to it and had urges to check it often for the first couple days especially.

2) It was freeing and I was more present in my own life, paying attention to what was around me instead of constantly seeing who posted a meme or picture or update.

3) I realized largely how senseless it is and how I want to change my use of social media to only connect with people I am actually close to.

4) It opened my eyes to just how much we are willing to share with people that we don't know that well. I had never really thought about how personal some of the experiences shared on fb or social media are and that many of the people that share them haven't spoken with the person posting in years, in person. It takes away the sacredness of special moments when everyone experiences them, especially if they don't have an active part in your life. For example, if you haven't spoken to someone since you were in high school, do they need to see your baby bump grow, or know the details of your recent relationship struggle? Social media has become a public arena for pretty much everything,-but if we all had every friend on our list in a room together, would we share the same things in person? Likely not. I realized how strange of a social paradox that is and how I would like to move forward in a different direction.

5) Almost nothing is all that important online. When it comes down to it, there are few moments that really beg your attention on social media. It's a tool that has become grossly over used and misused in a lot of ways. All I can do is speak for myself in saying I would like to use social media on an as needed basis, or for periodic entertainment, not for a social update of everyone's lives that barely touch my own.

Now, I'm going to get back to living in the real world, I'll see you back on here sometime I'm sure, but for now it's nice to breathe away from it.