2014 A year undiscovered

This year is ready to wrap and as I began to look forward to the year ahead , I realized something rather profound.

 How strange it is that we view our lives as fragmented timelines that have societal landmarks that define our success: Get married by 23, 3 kids before 30, buy a house before the kids come, and on and on. Now, more than ever, I feel the pressure of these assumptions on my own life and feel the eyes of those I know and love upon me, just waiting for the fulfillment of what they feel will bring me happiness. Because after all, we're all the same and should live, eat, breathe,  and rear our children the same. I no longer subscribe to this method of thinking. This is a new era for my life.

What this year in particular has taught me is that life is fleeting, but it is not a race. It is not a to do list to systematically follow and complete. It is an adventure, a gift. Every day we have is significant.  Whether it's spent watching TV or adventuring around the world is up to every individual. But no matter what, it is within our direct control how we will choose to fill these days and hours.

So, what is my new year's resolution for 2014, who do I want to transform into this coming year?
I don't know. All that I know is that it's great to have goals and ambitions, but it's most important to follow the drive within me that guides my moral decisions an standards. When I listen to that voice, rather than all the noise drowning out what truly matters, I will always be lead to be who I truly am meant to be. Sometimes it just takes time to accept that we don't have the answers, or a crystal ball.

2014 is unwritten and unscripted and I just look forward to writing each page of the journey as it comes my way. This in itself will provide all the adventure and blessings I could dream of.

Here's to a new beginning and a blank slate. 

Beautiful

Everything in life is beautiful. The pain, agony, strife, they all hurt and are ugly, but they transform history, and ourselves, and our hearts. They harden us so that we may one day unite in love, over the anger and destruction, and the rubble. So that one day, we will stand together against what is not beautiful. Together we will love so fiercely that anything that may dare approach the barrier will be turned. We will win hearts not by pride or by force, but by love, and love alone. In our separate corners we may feel the weight of our heavy hearts and the burden of the fight today.. But one day that weight will lift and our weakened bodies will be held up by our brothers and sisters that have lived our lives and peered through our eyes, different as they may be, they are also us. One day our struggle will be shared, after it seemed to grow across the elements and the expanse. It will no longer seem so dark, but rather a sheer garment that one can gaze through on either side and see simultaneous beauty and wisdom through the thin veil that was once defeat. Hurt can never be undone, but its scars become stories and stories become tales. Tales carry on for centuries and tell not of what was lost, but what was gained. The great giant never prevails, but is torn down, limb by limb by the weakest of men with the greatest of hearts. We all have within us the power to fight, not in hatred, but in love. Whoever you are, wherever you've been, you are beautiful and you are loved. One day, I dream that we all will accept and know this as true.

Home

I don't know that this will ever be home
From here I do not hail and feel adrift with no roots
Yet on golden nights such as this
I can't help but wonder if maybe this isn't the best place to be
As I escape the bustle of a river city of men
I feel the gentle rush of a summer breeze, reminding me that it is safe here
I keep my eyes on the road, impressed with the colors abounding ahead
Yet when I take the time to look from side to side
I see what cannot be fairly described
Uneven rows of mountains in the distance keep watch over their sisters, the rolling hills
Golden fields of grain are illuminated by a sun that for just one moment
Blesses us with the color of a sky on fire
The air is heavy with the scent of hay awaiting it's journey elsewhere
And of air more fresh than I can ever remember here
As I begin to travel the road that leads back to the city and the lights
I am frozen in a moment of beauty
The sun winks as it goes to rest behind it's mountain for the night
And the sky is left alone, wielding all the majesty it alone can muster
I let the  tangerine melt into lavender and eventually back to a deepened blue
Before I step out of my comfort in this dream
It seems that despite my greatest effort life has taken be aback
And somehow, some way,
This has become my home, too

There Is No Fear In Love

Everyday a pendant hangs from my necklace that says, "There is no fear in love," an excerpt from one of my favorite bible verses (1John 4:18). You see, I need this reminder to help me fight my worst enemy- myself. I am my greatest obstacle and barrier to success. If I have a goal or ambition, I have always found a loophole or  risk involved to help talk me out of stepping out of my comfort zone. It's an instinctual defense mechanism in overdrive that has always been my greatest foe.

However, what I am learning each and every day is that I have within me the strength to be more. If I have a desire to accomplish a feat, be it big or small, then I have some level of dedication and love for it. Where there is love, there shall be no fear, for fear involves torment (as the Bible verse later goes on to say). The hangover from letting go of a dream is proof of that turmoil. There is truly no greater disappointment than that which one can feel for themselves while viewing the road never traveled and wondering what it may have lead to. Inasmuch, there is also no greater feeling than reaching the end of a windy path that started in a scary wood, only to pour out to a beautiful, open meadow that no one else had ever laid eyes on.

In four months time, I have slowly forced fear to loosen its grasp on my throat.  I have left a secure position at work because I had reached a stalemate and was no longer happy. I let myself take a leap of faith and take a position in the field I have been trained in and am content in my work now. That decision transformed my happiness in the workplace. I have since also fought tooth and nail for what I love, even when it would have been easier to let go. True love knows no bounds and I am learning that though it may not always be easy, it is always, always, worth the effort. My dream of becoming a music journalist has somehow sprouted in a small, yet not insignificant way. If this passion never takes flight farther than it has today, I can rest happy, knowing that my love for this art has been shared in a way that I am proud of. In a matter of days, I will be throwing caution to the wind-literally- and jumping off a mountain with a professional paraglider, trusting that our parachute will catch at the right moment.I've never been so frightened and excited in anticipation!

The best part in all of this- I'm not afraid anymore. I may have moments of doubt or concern, but my heart has matured and helped me realize that what I was most at risk for was missing out on life itself. No more standing in the background and admiring from afar. I want in, rain or shine, thunder, lightning, or snow. I'm all in. I'm madly in love with this life and I've been told that perfect love casts out fear (the body of that perfect verse). With God by my side, and perfect love in my heart, what can stand against me?

Nothing.

Justin Young Breaks It Down

Anticipation is a funny thing. It tends to force you into forming lofty expectations for that which you are awaiting. I realized this as I entered the dimly lit, modernly adorned pizza joint that reeked of glorious vegetarian pies. I was buzzing with butterflies in my stomach for what was to come, and looking for a good buzz from the local cider on tap as I found a table in the corner with my good friend. We sat down and my heart stepped things up a notch, reflecting my nervousness as I realized I was about to witness a performance that I had been hoping to see for four years.

 But let's back up for a second so I can explain where this all began...

It was probably in 2009 when I was really deep into seeking out new artists that weren't mainstream. I can't rightly recall what brought me there, but I somehow stumbled across Justin Young's myspace page. He was a soulful acoustic artist with a whole lot of  Hawaii streaming through his veins. I remember really loving that he had a very distinct sound that was a compilation of what appeared to be influence from his home state, and really rich, almost tangible soul. I hadn't heard anything along the lines of what he was doing and I gradually checked out more and more of his music over the years, always holding on to a glimmer of hope that he would come to my area for a show. Although that particular dream faded over time, my appreciation for Justin's style of music never did.

To make a longer story shortish, Justin finally made it to my area and I couldn't make the show. As completely bummed as I was for the misfortune, I was relieved to find that less than a year later, he'd be back and I'd have a chance to make it this time.

As the one hundred or so other people began to settle in their seats and have their pizzas brought to their table, I bantered with my friend a bit to escape my nerves as we waited for the show to start. In a matter of minutes, Justin came on stage with his only companion- an acoustic guitar. His relaxed demeanor seemed to kind of create the mellow mood you expect from a concert such as this. For anyone who has never experienced island music live, the one thing you need to know is that there is no place more carefree than where you are in that moment. That's so much of why I love anything with an island twist, live, it's incredible.

Hearing songs that I'd listened to so many times in my car or at home was as surreal, as it always is at a live show. Justin's vocals were impressively clean and he made the entire process look effortless. I've seen artists that either love what they're doing or are in love with what they are doing, and the difference is palpable in their performance. Justin was of the latter category. I got the feeling that whether he was in front of one or ten thousand people, he would have given the same solid show, because it's what he seems passionate about. There was a sense of synergy between him and his instruments that translated into a language all it's own. For me, the highlight of his song choice was most definitely Break It Down- a tune for the broken hearted that just refuse to give up. Another really memorable moment was hearing Puzzle Pieces, because there seemed to be a level of significance with it particularly. Of course, a great cover now and again is never a bad move, if done well. I was quite pleased to have Leaving On A Jetplane be the last song Justin filled the air with before closing out the experience I'd so long awaited.

Justin's performance ended, leaving me fulfilled as a music lover, and completely ready for the show to come with Anuhea, another amazing artist from Hawaii. (Her concert is a review all it's own, so stay tuned.) Considering I'd wanted for so long just to let Justin know how much I appreciate his music, I knew that this was likely one of my only opportunities. Not wanting to fangirl, and being more nervous than I ever should have been as a 25 year old grown woman, I made sure to finish my cider and waited until a little courage surfaced. A good twenty minutes later, the flocks of college girls getting pictures with Justin had settled back in to see Anuhea, who had just gotten the party started with some heavy reggae/island jams. Feeling her grooves, and having just enough gumption to say hello, I decided to check out the merch table where Justin was hanging out.

I picked out a cute Anuhea tank and Justin's new album, Makai, which I had yet to hear in its completion. More excited than I would have been pre-cider, I gladly used my card to pay for the merch and signed the dotted line with my finger (since it was attached to an iPhone), which for some reason was pretty funny right about then. A little sheepishly, I asked if Justin could sign my album, to which I was told that of course he could, and he even had a pen. How convenient. The short and sweet speech I'd always wanted to relay to Justin swirled around in my head as I found myself approaching him. My first thought was ,"Wow, he's surprisingly tall!" shortly followed by ,"Crap, what do I say?"  I was trying desperately to convey myself as the kind of person who comes to a show for the music, not the musician, if you catch my drift. That was the truth, though, and why I waited to talk to him until that moment. It's often difficult as a married woman who just loves music, to attend shows without feeling that you're boxed in the same category as the less than savory fans with pointed motives. You know, the uh, well... ok I'll just say it, groupies. I hate that word, but they're everywhere at every show. It's always been about the music for me and I go out of my way to separate myself from those throngs of fame seeking chicas.

 I'd like to say that we had a complex conversation about music, or the venue, or even about his tour, but my smart assery got the best of me. Instead of letting him know that his music made me appreciate a whole new genre of music and delve deeper into acoustic soul music, I complimented his uncanny ability to open my album plastic in one swipe. How dashing of me! Of course there was the run of the mill, "You were really great, I'm so glad you came here..." comment, but I immediately regretted it as it spewed from my mouth, even if it was true. Way to be generic, girl. So Justin, if you're reading this, that awkward chick in the brown shirt and skinny jeans is always that awkward, but truly appreciated your performance and music. Thanks for making Oregon a priority, it was a great experience.

As all good things must, the show ended and my friend and I were left with memories of only moments prior that will be with us for years to come. I chalk this up as yet another step in my musical pilgrimage, may it never end.

My Heart Is In Uganda

                                                       This is Alex, and several of the kids in the village, having a dance party.





Today, my heart is in Uganda, a land I've never had the pleasure of visiting, though I think of it often.

A woman I consider a good friend of mine has dedicated her life to loving Uganda and it's people. She is the person with whom I took belly dancing classes and went out dancing with, the friend I've had long conversations with about life and God, and whose amazing wedding I was gladly a part of.  She moved only months ago, but as I view the beautiful pictures she's posts online, I can see that she is right where she belongs. Yet she does not do it alone. She has married an amazing man who's mission is to better his community and teach them to be self sufficient and not depend solely on foreign aide to survive. Seemingly a simple idea for life, but much harder to implement in the reality of a world that needs motivation, education, and guidance to keep a community together and encouraged to help one another not only in this generation, but the next - when poverty is a very stark reality. Their goal is not just to get through today, but to build a future in Uganda, one village at a time. And they are not just talking about it, but really doing it. I've seen my friends start programs to educate about HIV and AIDS, how to practice basic hygiene, and learn important tasks such as raising animals and using them to support a family. Again, seemingly simple ideas, but they are being used to change lives.

As a person who has always lived a life of extreme luxury in comparison to the very simple ways that my friends live, I am so humbled in realizing what I have. I am also embarassed that by 25 I have not reached out more to help others. What is life if it is spent solely on oneself or family? Is there not an entire community surrounding each of us, and outside of that a larger region? Are we not each capable of changing and affecting our own worlds to some degree? My friend grew up in the very same country community of less than 10,000 people that I did. She played on the same volleyball team in high school as me, and attended all the same events. We are not so different, but the one element that changes everything is that she has chosen to act, just as her husband has spent so much of his life doing. Her life has been sacrificed here in the US, she does not have the opportunity to see her family or friends as often as if she were here. She does not get to spend holidays with those she is close to in the states. Yet we love her nonetheless, because with the man she was so clearly meant to be with, she is changing this world one heart at a time.

I am so proud to call her and her husband my friends. I must also say that her life everyday inspires me to become a better person and open my eyes to the things that are so often unseen in remedial news and subjects that come across facebook and social media. My life is changed simply by knowing  one couple that has given everything for the greater good. We are not all called to international missions, many of us are not called to do leave our immediate community. But we are all called to love. Within our towns, schools, workplace, and family, we all have the option to love and be a great influence, to live by example and change lives by being the kind of person we want to encounter in others.

As the great Mother Teresa once said, " I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." 

Thank you Elysia and Keneth for being the kind of people that myself and others can be so proud to know. 

2013 Here I Come

I find it rather ironic and hipsteresque to be doing this, but I feel that for me it is a tool for learning, healing and goals. This has been a year of trials and tribulations that my life has had yet to experience. Lots of twists and turns and ins and outs. Lots and lots and lots of learning about myself. It's difficult to accept that the person you've always viewed yourself to be is not always the person you truly are through your actions. It's also interesting to discover that about those around you. So, as one could imagine, I have many goals in the coming year to keep me on track with becoming a better version of myself each and every day. They are as follows.

1) Treat those I love with compassion and never take a second with them for granted.
2) Treat others as I would truly want to be treated if I were in their shoes.
3) Continue chasing my passions with vigor.
4) Do something outside of my comfort zone.
5) Focus on things that enrich my life and avoid anything that would negatively affect it.
6) Look less to the future and live more in today.
7) Live by the words that I write.
8) Take that road trip.
9) Do anything I'd like to before becoming a mother.
10) Live as healthy of a lifestyle as is reasonable and possible.